ÿþ01:30:26:05 01:30:27:21 Thank you.
01:30:32:10 01:30:35:21 Oh! Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.
01:30:36:01 01:30:37:19 Thank you. Thank you.
01:30:37:22 01:30:39:17 Good evening.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
01:30:39:19 01:30:42:14 and welcome to A Bit of Fry And Laurie.
01:30:42:17 01:30:44:24 Yes, but not just ladies and gentlemen.
01:30:45:02 01:30:47:14 Let's not forget the large number
of domestic animals
01:30:47:17 01:30:50:03 who sit in front of the television
while this programme is on.
01:30:50:06 01:30:52:22 That's right. Let's all say hi
to the large number of dogs
01:30:52:24 01:30:54:19 -who are with us this evening.
-Mmm.
01:31:00:11 01:31:02:08 That was my hello to all the dogs.
01:31:02:10 01:31:05:13 I'm sorry if it was too high-pitched for you,
ladies and gentlemen.
01:31:06:21 01:31:10:05 And while we're at it,
let's say a big hi to Marlon Brando.
01:31:10:16 01:31:14:02 Marlon, as you probably know,
is very much not a dear old friend of ours.
01:31:14:05 01:31:16:12 Mmm. In fact, we've never met him.
01:31:16:14 01:31:21:08 No, but if we say hi often enough,
he might just think that we've met him,
01:31:21:11 01:31:24:12 and give one of those sort of embarrassed
half smiles that you give to somebody
01:31:24:14 01:31:27:09 when you're not sure
whether or not you know them, you know.
01:31:27:11 01:31:29:08 Did you perhaps sit next to them
on the train once?
01:31:29:11 01:31:31:12 Are they something to do
with your brother-in-law?
01:31:31:16 01:31:32:18 This is pathetic.
01:31:32:21 01:31:36:03 You're right. It is pathetic.
It's undeniably pathetic.
01:31:36:05 01:31:38:10 But, ladies and gentlemen and canine pals...
01:31:40:03 01:31:45:10 We're after your help tonight because
we aim, in the next half hour, to become big.
01:31:45:13 01:31:49:20 So big that even Marlon Brando
will know exactly who we are.
01:31:49:22 01:31:53:21 Yes, but first of all, it might be helpful
if we were to explain exactly what big is.
01:31:53:24 01:31:56:04 You see, Stephen and I are both very tall,
01:31:56:07 01:31:59:02 -but we're not very big.
-No.
01:31:59:04 01:32:03:11 Whereas, by quite stark contrast,
01:32:03:14 01:32:08:00 Mickey Rooney, Prince and Michael J Fox
are very short.
01:32:08:08 01:32:09:24 But incredibly big!
01:32:10:15 01:32:14:16 So, let's take a look at our big-o-meter,
so we can just spell that out.
01:32:15:09 01:32:20:09 That's right. Now, up here,
registering 1 ,009, is Marlon Brando.
01:32:20:23 01:32:23:20 And we're down here at 1 .4.
01:32:25:01 01:32:27:25 And here, registering 1 08,
01:32:28:02 01:32:30:16 is the big-ish Tony Gubba.
01:32:31:15 01:32:35:12 So, that gives you some idea
of the kind of mountain we have to climb.
01:32:35:14 01:32:38:05 But with your help, ladies and gentlemen,
we can make it.
01:32:38:07 01:32:42:08 So let's see if we can't hit 1 .5
by the end of the evening, all right?
01:32:42:10 01:32:43:15 -Good luck.
-Good luck.
01:32:45:18 01:32:50:12 I suppose if I am honest,
I use my penis as a sort of car substitute.
01:32:51:25 01:32:55:03 You know what makes me really mad?
It's the fact that we have to pay for it.
01:32:55:05 01:32:57:12 Oh, yes! Yes, we're the ones who pay for it.
01:32:57:18 01:33:01:21 You know, ev-ev-every bit of food
we want to eat, we have to pay for it.
01:33:02:15 01:33:05:18 The clothes I wear, I paid for them.
It makes me mad.
01:33:29:08 01:33:31:15 ...and similarly louche places.
01:33:32:12 01:33:35:09 Jeremy, I must tell you, I was in Venice last year.
01:33:35:11 01:33:37:16 (SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)
01:33:37:19 01:33:41:05 Now, you, I believe, know more about Venice
than anybody else in the world.
01:33:41:08 01:33:42:18 The Queen of the Adriatic.
01:33:42:20 01:33:46:06 Is just one of the things you've been called.
01:33:47:05 01:33:49:23 I was strolling through the Rial...to,
01:33:50:01 01:33:53:16 returning from a walk which had taken in
the Santa Maria della Salu...te,
01:33:53:22 01:33:55:23 and the San Giorgio Roman...o.
01:33:56:01 01:33:59:18 -Along the Giudec...ca?
-Along the Giudec...
01:34:00:10 01:34:01:11 ...ca, yes.
01:34:01:14 01:34:03:20 And I believe I'm right in saying
01:34:03:23 01:34:07:10 that I counted no less than 97 backpackers.
01:34:07:13 01:34:09:18 Backpackers? Oh, dear Lord!
01:34:09:21 01:34:13:18 Who were ''doing'', as I believe
the ghastly phrase is, ''the Accademia''.
01:34:13:20 01:34:16:23 (SHUDDERING) Tourists, you see, tourists.
01:34:17:01 01:34:20:19 And I remember thinking
they're taking away our Venice.
01:34:20:22 01:34:24:02 -The place is absolutely heaving with Germans.
-Yes, and Italians.
01:34:24:04 01:34:26:05 The place is absolutely heaving with Italians.
01:34:26:07 01:34:28:08 Our Venice is sinking under their weight.
01:34:28:11 01:34:32:08 So, you see, I've campaigned for years now
to have tourists banned from Venice.
01:34:32:10 01:34:34:11 -Have you, have you?
-Yes, I have, I have.
01:34:34:14 01:34:38:19 It sounds very cruel. Very harsh, I know. Very...
01:34:38:22 01:34:41:13 -Deglante?
-Very deglante. Thank you, yes.
01:34:41:15 01:34:42:21 Yes, but I'm convinced it's the only way.
01:34:42:24 01:34:44:19 (POMPOUSLY) Ng, ng, ng, ng.
01:34:44:22 01:34:47:11 Who was it? Who was it who said,
01:34:47:19 01:34:49:20 ''He is a tourist,
01:34:50:11 01:34:52:21 ''you are a holidaymaker,
01:34:52:25 01:34:55:20 ''but I am a traveller.''
01:34:55:23 01:34:58:08 Oh. Now, was it Humbert Wolfe?
01:34:58:11 01:35:01:10 -It was Cocteau, surely.
-Doesn't sound very Cocteau.
01:35:01:12 01:35:04:09 But then Cocteau never does,
which is how you can always tell it's Cocteau.
01:35:04:11 01:35:07:02 True, true, true. Trouché.
01:35:07:05 01:35:09:08 (ALL LAUGHING)
01:35:09:11 01:35:11:22 Of course, it's not just Venice.
01:35:11:25 01:35:17:09 Oh, good heavens, no.
No, it's not just Venezia. Venedich. Veneeez.
01:35:17:12 01:35:19:03 No, not by a long stroke.
01:35:19:06 01:35:22:01 No, our whole world is being stained.
01:35:22:09 01:35:24:20 -Stained. Stained.
-Stained. Yes. Yes, it is. It is.
01:35:24:23 01:35:28:16 (SPEAKING IN LATIN)
01:35:28:21 01:35:31:06 -Jeremy?
-Yes.
01:35:32:17 01:35:34:24 I blame television. I'm sorry, but I do.
01:35:35:02 01:35:38:20 Oh, no, television. No, don't, please.
Oh! That fearful, erm...
01:35:39:15 01:35:42:10 -Mervyn Bragg.
-Oh, Mervyn Bragg.
01:35:42:13 01:35:45:22 Stop it at once.
If I had my way with that Mervyn Bragg...
01:35:45:25 01:35:47:24 No one would be in the least surprised.
01:35:49:19 01:35:51:06 Bitch.
01:35:51:14 01:35:54:13 I say, this is the most awfully good tarte citron.
01:35:54:15 01:35:55:14 Erm?
01:35:56:22 01:35:58:03 Tarte citron.
01:35:58:06 01:35:59:24 Oh, the lemon pie, dear.
01:36:00:01 01:36:05:16 Yes, yes. I've always said, you know,
that I could never truly be friends with anybody
01:36:05:19 01:36:07:14 who didn't love lemon pie.
01:36:08:25 01:36:13:15 Now, now, Susan. Now, Susan, don't be sly.
Did you make this yourself?
01:36:13:22 01:36:18:12 Well, let's just say I made it to the shops
in time to buy it.
01:36:18:14 01:36:21:11 -I knew it. Marks & Spencer.
-Marks & Spencer.
01:36:21:14 01:36:23:19 -M & S. Who else?
-M & S.
01:36:23:22 01:36:28:14 M et S. They are simply amazing, aren't they?
01:36:28:17 01:36:31:10 -Have you tried their new boxer shorts?
-I haven't, I haven't.
01:36:31:12 01:36:32:17 I have. Delicious.
01:36:32:20 01:36:35:15 Oh, oh, and their dips. Oh, bless me, their dips!
01:36:35:20 01:36:38:23 In my local one,
there's a really marvellous primary school.
01:36:39:01 01:36:40:13 -A primary school?
-Yes.
01:36:40:15 01:36:42:10 Both mine and my husband's children go there.
01:36:42:13 01:36:45:16 Well, of course, in my local one,
they've just opened a hospital section.
01:36:45:18 01:36:46:17 Have they?
01:36:46:20 01:36:49:13 Oh, yes, yes. You can go in
and have minor operations, everything.
01:36:49:15 01:36:53:01 Yes. Well, at the one near me,
you can actually buy weaponry.
01:36:53:03 01:36:55:04 -Is that right?
-It is. Yes, it is, quite right.
01:36:55:07 01:36:56:13 -Mine, too.
-Yes, I actually...
01:36:56:16 01:36:58:24 I bought an F-1 1 1 there last week.
01:36:59:02 01:37:01:20 -It was so fresh, I swear it was made that day.
-Really? Really?
01:37:01:23 01:37:06:13 Well, listen, of course, the great thing about them
is that if you're not happy with anything,
01:37:06:16 01:37:09:17 -you can always go back and change it.
-Change it, precisely.
01:37:10:03 01:37:13:10 -Hello.
-Good morning, madam. Can I help you?
01:37:13:12 01:37:16:07 I bought these suits for my husband, you see,
01:37:16:10 01:37:18:18 and I want to return them, please.
01:37:18:21 01:37:21:01 Right, you want to exchange them
for different suits?
01:37:21:04 01:37:24:17 Oh, no, I don't want different suits.
That wouldn't be any good.
01:37:24:20 01:37:26:09 Not now he's dead.
01:37:27:21 01:37:29:02 Oh, I'm sorry.
01:37:29:05 01:37:31:08 Now, this is the suit he died in.
01:37:32:18 01:37:37:06 But I don't think you can tell, can you?
01:37:37:24 01:37:40:13 I think I've managed to get most of it out.
01:37:41:20 01:37:45:17 -And when exactly did you buy that suit?
-1 94 7.
01:37:47:17 01:37:51:18 I remember the year because that was the year
I bought his suits.
01:37:53:21 01:37:58:01 -I see. Yes, and you want a refund, do you?
-Refund?
01:37:58:03 01:38:01:10 No, no, no, not a refund.
01:38:01:13 01:38:03:18 No. I want my money back.
01:38:05:11 01:38:08:12 I see. Have you got the receipt?
01:38:08:14 01:38:11:03 No. But the lady will remember me.
01:38:12:21 01:38:13:22 What lady?
01:38:13:25 01:38:16:18 Well, the lady who sold them to me, of course.
01:38:16:21 01:38:18:24 Well, can you remember what she looked like?
01:38:19:06 01:38:23:15 Well, she was about 65 and...
01:38:23:17 01:38:29:01 I'm afraid that if she was 65 in 1 94 7, she'd be...
01:38:29:03 01:38:32:14 -(EXCLAIMING HAPPILY) Ohhh!
-Ooh!
01:38:32:17 01:38:35:18 Hello!
01:38:38:18 01:38:42:04 Suit fit your husband all right, didn't it?
01:38:42:06 01:38:44:10 Yes, thank you.
01:38:44:13 01:38:48:14 And did you enjoy your tea
at Lyons Corner House?
01:38:48:17 01:38:51:06 It was lovely, thank you.
01:38:51:12 01:38:53:24 He looked so handsome in his uniform.
01:38:54:02 01:38:55:03 Ahh.
01:38:55:06 01:38:57:05 Still together, are you?
01:38:57:15 01:38:59:12 4 3 years.
01:39:00:18 01:39:03:02 4 3 years
01:39:03:17 01:39:05:20 since he last rang me.
01:39:06:04 01:39:07:07 Men!
01:39:07:18 01:39:10:13 Oh, they're bastards, aren't they?
01:39:14:09 01:39:16:25 Can't live with them, can't live without them.
01:39:17:22 01:39:19:23 Mine can't live at all.
01:39:23:06 01:39:24:14 He's dead.
01:39:25:06 01:39:28:11 Oh! Oh, you'll be wanting your money back, then.
01:39:28:14 01:39:30:19 Oh, yes, please. Yes.
01:39:30:22 01:39:33:09 I put it by just in case.
01:39:34:21 01:39:36:08 Here you are.
01:39:37:20 01:39:39:03 You are a good girl.
01:39:39:06 01:39:42:23 £3, 1 2 and six.
01:39:43:01 01:39:44:15 Thank you.
01:39:44:18 01:39:46:13 Or perhaps the lady would like a replacement?
01:39:46:16 01:39:49:07 No, I told you I wanted my money back.
01:39:49:10 01:39:51:17 He means for your husband.
01:39:51:20 01:39:56:12 -Oh, goodness! Do you do old men?
-Of course.
01:39:56:20 01:39:58:09 What size do you take?
01:40:04:11 01:40:06:14 Five-foot-six, if you have.
01:40:07:06 01:40:10:13 Five-foot-six straight or five-foot-six bent?
01:40:10:15 01:40:13:12 -Bent.
-I'll see what we've got.
01:40:14:16 01:40:17:05 Yes, you'll like our old men, madam.
They don't smell at all.
01:40:17:08 01:40:18:22 (EXCLAIMS DISAPPOINTEDLY)
01:40:18:25 01:40:21:16 Well, they have got a sort of stale manly odour.
01:40:21:19 01:40:23:04 Oh!
01:40:23:12 01:40:24:22 What do you think?
01:40:24:25 01:40:28:01 Oh, he's dishy, isn't he?
01:40:30:01 01:40:34:04 -Isn't he?
-Mind you, you can't tell until you get them home.
01:40:35:01 01:40:37:13 Can I change him if I'm not satisfied?
01:40:37:20 01:40:39:01 Bloody women.
01:40:39:10 01:40:41:16 They always want to change you.
01:40:42:21 01:40:46:11 What makes me really mad
is this new drug, ecstasy.
01:40:46:17 01:40:47:20 Makes me mad!
01:41:01:12 01:41:03:11 RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Gary's Bit In The Middle.
01:41:06:13 01:41:09:10 GARY: All right! Hallelujah! Yeah!
CALLER: How about that?
01:41:09:12 01:41:12:19 GARY: I'm really impressed because,
you know, even I struggle remembering that.
01:41:12:21 01:41:14:20 CALLER: Well, I did, actually,
but I got there in the end.
01:41:14:23 01:41:16:08 GARY: Well done to you. What do you do, Paul?
01:41:16:10 01:41:18:09 Thank you for sparing the time.
01:41:18:15 01:41:19:14 No problem.
01:41:20:25 01:41:22:20 You admire Gary Davies?
01:41:24:12 01:41:26:05 Not much time for that sort of thing.
01:41:26:17 01:41:28:00 You should make time, Alan.
01:41:28:11 01:41:29:17 A man should unwind.
01:41:30:22 01:41:32:15 You don't mind if I call you Alan?
01:41:33:12 01:41:37:00 -Fine with me.
-Good, good. I just find Sally a bit awkward.
01:41:37:22 01:41:38:21 I understand.
01:41:39:07 01:41:42:18 Excellent. Now, then, Alan,
I've got your record in front of me here.
01:41:42:20 01:41:44:15 It makes impressive reading.
01:41:44:23 01:41:47:20 Well, you know,
I've knocked about the world a bit.
01:41:48:05 01:41:52:02 You certainly have. But I'd like, if I may, to fill in
one or two gaps, take a few side bearings,
01:41:52:05 01:41:54:14 rough out some contours. That okay with you?
01:41:54:17 01:41:55:16 Fine.
01:41:55:24 01:42:00:14 Okay. '65, '66, you ran guns out of Macao
01:42:00:17 01:42:03:10 using a refitted Dutch trawler.
01:42:03:12 01:42:05:13 I can still smell those damn herring.
01:42:05:20 01:42:10:02 In '68, you popped up on the Ivory Coast
smuggling refugees out of Nigeria.
01:42:10:08 01:42:14:11 The following year, there was that nasty caper
with the Rhodesian mining company.
01:42:14:21 01:42:18:05 From then on, it's a series of
apparently unrelated appearances,
01:42:18:07 01:42:22:24 working with Uruguayan customs,
a supply teacher in Maidstone,
01:42:23:01 01:42:25:06 crop spraying in Rawalpindi,
01:42:25:09 01:42:27:10 Home Secretary in the last Labour government
01:42:27:12 01:42:31:17 and then a short spell as Nigel Pargetter
in The Archers.
01:42:33:01 01:42:35:19 -Someone had to do it.
-Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
01:42:35:24 01:42:37:17 Okay, now it's my turn, yeah?
01:42:38:02 01:42:42:03 I got to tell you that I don't like being rung up
by strange men I've never met before
01:42:42:05 01:42:43:23 and have files read out at me.
01:42:44:01 01:42:46:21 I don't like being asked a lot of questions
by men in hats.
01:42:47:02 01:42:51:03 Suppose you tell me exactly what is going on
and who in blazes you are?
01:42:51:07 01:42:53:12 All right. We need a man, Alan.
01:42:53:22 01:42:56:00 We need a man with exceptional abilities.
01:42:56:05 01:42:58:21 A man with a record of success
against all the odds.
01:42:59:08 01:43:02:24 A man with the courage to try his hand
at the impossible.
01:43:04:02 01:43:06:05 -Go on.
-We want you, if you can,
01:43:06:18 01:43:10:12 to sit down and watch an entire episode
of The Krypton Factor.
01:43:12:06 01:43:13:14 You're out of your mind.
01:43:14:08 01:43:16:19 Listen to me, Alan. It's never been done before.
01:43:16:22 01:43:21:20 No one has ever watched an entire programme
from start to finish. Oh, sure, we've all seen bits.
01:43:23:04 01:43:25:07 But no one has ever gone the full distance.
01:43:28:09 01:43:29:13 If I don't make it,
01:43:30:18 01:43:32:13 you'll see that Judy's taken care of?
01:43:32:18 01:43:35:03 Of course, Alan. Of course.
01:43:36:24 01:43:38:04 See you in hell.
01:43:42:02 01:43:44:08 (COCKTAIL MUSIC BEING PLAYED ON PIANO)
01:43:50:06 01:43:51:22 When I was nine,
01:43:51:24 01:43:55:00 oh, fewer years ago now than I care to remember,
01:43:55:03 01:43:56:11 um, um,
01:43:57:20 01:43:59:15 my mother told me
01:43:59:18 01:44:04:00 that in this life one could either be
an elf or a pixie.
01:44:04:24 01:44:09:14 What she meant by that I fully suppose
you may be able all too readily to guess.
01:44:10:12 01:44:12:11 But her remarks set me thinking.
01:44:12:21 01:44:14:24 And from that moment on, I purposed
01:44:15:01 01:44:18:21 to be worthy of her
admonitions and adviselments
01:44:19:17 01:44:22:16 I suppose I can look back on my whole life
as a kind of quest.
01:44:22:18 01:44:25:17 A search, a hunt, an interrogation, if you like.
01:44:25:22 01:44:27:21 Yesterday was my birthday.
01:44:28:15 01:44:30:18 I won't tell you which, because I hate you.
01:44:31:03 01:44:34:16 And I celebrated it in fine style,
01:44:34:19 01:44:37:12 in the company of a cold bottle of Chablis
01:44:37:14 01:44:40:09 and a couple of prostitutes.
01:44:42:22 01:44:45:13 I suppose, in a sense,
01:44:46:07 01:44:48:25 my quest has come full circle.
01:44:49:18 01:44:52:07 Or, rather, my hunt is over
01:44:52:22 01:44:54:07 and I can rest now.
01:44:56:13 01:44:59:02 Well, I hope you enjoyed that.
I'll be here every Tuesday and Thursday,
01:44:59:04 01:45:01:18 so until the next time,
good night and safe journey home.
01:45:06:19 01:45:07:22 PETER: Come on.
01:45:08:21 01:45:10:08 Come on, baby.
01:45:10:12 01:45:11:11 (GROANING)
01:45:12:03 01:45:13:08 Gotcha!
01:45:15:17 01:45:17:04 (CLEARS THROAT)
01:45:17:10 01:45:20:01 -Is that you, John?
-Who else, Peter?
01:45:20:03 01:45:21:11 (TOILET FLUSHING)
01:45:22:05 01:45:24:06 I was beginning to wonder where the hell...
01:45:24:09 01:45:26:08 Traffic, Peter. Plain and simple.
01:45:26:11 01:45:28:00 That's a bitch, John.
01:45:28:03 01:45:30:08 Took the switchback routes wherever I could,
01:45:30:10 01:45:33:15 but, frankly, the A4 7 is a car park at the moment.
01:45:33:17 01:45:35:08 Damn that ball cock!
01:45:35:11 01:45:37:14 Peter, it's no good blaming the system.
01:45:37:16 01:45:39:01 Well, maybe you're right.
01:45:40:06 01:45:43:05 So, fill me in. How's business this a.m.?
01:45:43:07 01:45:45:10 Business has been pretty quiet, John.
01:45:46:07 01:45:49:00 Had a couple of noisy ones
in stall three earlier on,
01:45:49:10 01:45:52:05 -but mostly it's been quiet.
-Good. Any calls?
01:45:52:09 01:45:56:03 Yeah, I had one from the maintenance boys
about fixing this damn towel rollup.
01:45:56:06 01:45:58:17 -And?
-Can't make it till next Tuesday.
01:45:58:20 01:46:00:24 -Damn!
-That's what I said, John.
01:46:01:02 01:46:04:09 Damn, blast, triple damn
with an extra side order of damn!
01:46:04:18 01:46:06:01 Yep, said that as well.
01:46:06:03 01:46:09:02 How can they expect us to run
a public lavatory complex
01:46:09:05 01:46:10:19 without adequate maintenance backup?
01:46:10:21 01:46:12:00 Beats me, John.
01:46:12:05 01:46:14:10 They said they'd give it top priority, but...
01:46:14:12 01:46:17:07 Top priority, my arse!
01:46:17:20 01:46:20:21 -Just a lot of hot air, Peter.
-I know, John.
01:46:20:24 01:46:24:10 Our clients can't be expected
to dry their hands with hot air.
01:46:24:22 01:46:26:01 Well, actually, John...
01:46:26:04 01:46:29:07 No, Peter, Peter, don't start
on that electric hand dryer business again.
01:46:29:10 01:46:33:15 I read your report.
It was good work, but now is not the time.
01:46:35:11 01:46:36:21 Not the time.
01:46:37:03 01:46:41:10 I wonder if you'd have used a phrase like that
back when we were running the health club?
01:46:42:19 01:46:46:16 Peter, Marjorie won, pure and simple.
It wasn't a fair fight, I grant you,
01:46:46:18 01:46:48:05 but that's it. Over.
01:46:49:05 01:46:51:21 You don't have to throw Marjorie in my face, John.
01:46:52:16 01:46:55:05 I'm sorry, Peter, but damn it,
we've got a chance here
01:46:55:08 01:46:59:11 to build the finest public amenity system
Uttoxeter has ever known.
01:46:59:18 01:47:02:19 Damn it, John, when? What's the time frame?
01:47:02:22 01:47:05:00 Only a fool would answer that question, Peter.
01:47:05:03 01:47:07:06 A month, maybe 1 2, I don't know.
01:47:08:03 01:47:09:04 You know, John,
01:47:09:13 01:47:13:08 every day when I leave the house,
Sarah kisses me on the cheek.
01:47:14:14 01:47:16:17 Sarah? But your wife's Nancy, surely?
01:47:17:03 01:47:18:17 Yeah, Sarah's the au pair.
01:47:18:19 01:47:20:20 She helps out with a lot of Nancy's chores.
01:47:22:12 01:47:26:21 She kisses me on the cheek and damn it, John,
if there aren't tears in her eyes.
01:47:26:24 01:47:29:10 Peter, I know it's hard.
01:47:29:20 01:47:32:09 Kids get a rough time at school, you know.
Oh, yes.
01:47:32:14 01:47:34:15 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
01:47:34:17 01:47:37:00 ''Sherman's dad is a lavatory attendant.''
01:47:37:05 01:47:39:15 Don't ever say that, Peter!
01:47:39:18 01:47:42:25 The Peter I know, that Peter,
that one there, him, yeah,
01:47:43:10 01:47:45:05 he's nobody's lavatory attendant.
01:47:45:18 01:47:48:21 He is an equal partner in an enterprise
01:47:49:05 01:47:52:23 that is going to put Uttoxeter's sanitation
well into the 21 st century.
01:47:53:13 01:47:55:08 Damn it, John! The shame.
01:47:55:16 01:47:58:05 Peter, listen up now and listen up good.
01:47:58:19 01:48:01:16 What you're doing here is for Nancy and the kids.
01:48:01:24 01:48:05:02 Every time you refill one of these soap dispensers,
it's for them.
01:48:05:11 01:48:09:05 Every time you pluck a cigarette end
out of that urinal, it's for them.
01:48:09:21 01:48:13:03 Every time you unclog a U-bend
with your bare hands,
01:48:13:09 01:48:14:17 it's for them.
01:48:14:19 01:48:17:10 -Damn it, John, maybe you're right.
-You bet I'm right.
01:48:19:17 01:48:21:14 So, now, let's go to work.
01:48:22:01 01:48:23:02 Right, shoot.
01:48:23:18 01:48:25:17 -Paper in every stall?
-Check.
01:48:25:19 01:48:27:18 -Evacuation points cleaned?
-Check.
01:48:27:21 01:48:29:18 -Even under the rim?
-Even under the rim.
01:48:29:20 01:48:32:04 -Mirrors polished?
-Till you can see your face in them.
01:48:32:06 01:48:33:05 Good work.
01:48:33:15 01:48:38:05 I had to close off this urinal here
momentarily for cleaning purposes,
01:48:38:08 01:48:41:13 and, as you know, in this business
when that happens, the weak go to the wall.
01:48:41:15 01:48:43:02 -Did you stop them?
-No problem.
01:48:43:04 01:48:44:16 (COUGHING)
01:48:49:13 01:48:50:14 Good morning, sir.
01:48:52:15 01:48:54:16 Is this your first visit to our facility?
01:48:55:07 01:48:56:08 (MUTTERING)
01:48:56:11 01:48:58:08 In which case, you will be pleased to know
01:48:58:11 01:49:01:08 that the full-relief service cubicles
are situated to your right.
01:49:01:11 01:49:03:14 The quick-service stalls are this way, sir.
01:49:03:17 01:49:05:20 (RETCHING LOUDLY)
01:49:05:23 01:49:08:05 (MUTTERING)
01:49:08:25 01:49:10:20 (VOMITING)
01:49:15:19 01:49:17:10 Thank you for your custom, sir.
01:49:18:04 01:49:19:20 Damn. Damn it!
01:49:19:23 01:49:22:22 Damn it, Peter, we're still not attracting
the right kind of client.
01:49:22:24 01:49:24:02 I know, John.
01:49:24:05 01:49:26:23 A lot of the more desirable punters
are going next door.
01:49:26:25 01:49:29:09 Well, why in hell's name aren't they coming here?
01:49:29:15 01:49:31:02 Because they're women, John.
01:49:31:20 01:49:36:08 Damn it all, Peter. I want you to go there and
find out who's running next door's operation.
01:49:36:11 01:49:39:04 I already know who's running
next door's operation, John.
01:49:39:06 01:49:41:10 It came as quite a surprise, I can tell you.
01:49:41:18 01:49:45:19 No. No. No, Peter. I don't want to hear this.
01:49:45:21 01:49:47:06 Yep, you guessed it.
01:49:47:15 01:49:49:06 It's Marjorie, all right.
01:49:49:09 01:49:51:14 (SHOUTING) Damn!
01:49:52:12 01:49:57:12 -Good evening. I am Robert Robinson.
-And my name is Robert Robinson.
01:49:57:19 01:49:59:06 Ah, we are...
01:49:59:09 01:50:01:00 BOTH: The Robert Robinsons.
01:50:01:03 01:50:04:18 This is our hour. That much is certain.
01:50:04:20 01:50:08:23 Though tish, ah, nay,
hush and fourpence, Mr Dwyer.
01:50:09:03 01:50:12:00 And an extra point for being so clever.
01:50:12:03 01:50:14:12 Would that it were, would that it were.
01:50:14:19 01:50:19:09 Ah, indeed. Would that it were, Mr Charteris.
Would that it were.
01:50:22:02 01:50:25:17 Ah, now here's a thing that put pish and tish.
01:50:26:03 01:50:30:04 I have a letter from a Mr Colin Elgood
of Carshalton Beeches,
01:50:30:06 01:50:34:13 who tells me that
he always turns his carrier bags inside out
01:50:34:16 01:50:39:12 so as not to give free advertising
to Mr Sainsbury and men of his ilk.
01:50:39:18 01:50:43:21 -Nay, men of his stamp.
-Men of his ilk, stamp and kidney.
01:50:43:23 01:50:46:07 Your answer is better, Mr Meredith.
01:50:46:10 01:50:49:07 So much better, but wrong, sadly wrong.
01:50:49:16 01:50:52:09 And an extra mark for being so clever.
01:50:53:19 01:50:57:07 Ah, someone has plumped. Someone has plumped.
01:50:57:10 01:50:59:03 Go on, Mr Harris, have a plump, too.
01:50:59:06 01:51:02:17 But hish and tusk, it only now remains for me
01:51:02:20 01:51:06:19 to declare the Twee family
winners of our little game.
01:51:06:23 01:51:10:12 An extra point followed by this round of applause.
01:51:12:14 01:51:15:19 But, ah, the pity, the pity of it.
01:51:15:21 01:51:18:24 Time, our old enemy, comes round again.
01:51:19:02 01:51:22:21 Ah, nish, tussock, flip and fourpence.
01:51:22:24 01:51:25:19 -We bid you goodbye.
-We bid you farewell.
01:51:25:22 01:51:28:21 But our hish, bish, starp and trivock,
01:51:28:25 01:51:31:18 not for long. Not for long.
01:51:35:10 01:51:36:14 BOTH: Goodbye.
01:51:37:11 01:51:39:21 And do you know what makes me really mad?
01:51:40:03 01:51:42:21 It's this belief that I'm John the Baptist.
01:51:44:06 01:51:46:24 Well, the thing... Oh, Christ, I've left the iron on.
01:51:56:04 01:51:59:24 -Hello, Control.
-Hello, Tony. I'll be with you in a minute.
01:52:01:25 01:52:04:20 I say, Control, that's rather a splendid device.
01:52:04:22 01:52:08:02 Where did you get that,
if you don't mind my prying into your affairs?
01:52:08:12 01:52:11:21 I don't mind at all, Tony.
After all, you're only human.
01:52:11:24 01:52:14:04 That's right, Control, I am.
01:52:14:11 01:52:19:09 It's my birthday today and this was a present
from my sister Marie.
01:52:20:08 01:52:22:24 I didn't know you had a sister
called Marie, Control.
01:52:23:02 01:52:26:20 Well, Marie is actually a codename
I've invented for her
01:52:26:23 01:52:29:18 to prevent people from discovering her real name.
01:52:29:24 01:52:32:19 Ah, well, that's cleared up that little confusion.
01:52:33:15 01:52:35:16 Her real name is Maria.
01:52:36:20 01:52:39:19 You are a wily old fox, Control.
01:52:40:20 01:52:45:08 Anyway, this contraption is called a telescupe.
01:52:46:20 01:52:48:01 Telescupe?
01:52:48:06 01:52:51:13 Yes, though I ought to point out that
that's also a codename.
01:52:52:09 01:52:55:10 Say no more, Control. Hush-hush.
01:52:55:12 01:52:59:02 Absolutely, though I don't think
I'd be speaking out of school
01:52:59:04 01:53:04:07 if I said that this device allows you
to see quite clearly over quite a long distance.
01:53:05:07 01:53:06:15 Here, have a go.
01:53:07:07 01:53:09:12 Control, I don't know what to say.
01:53:09:18 01:53:11:11 Don't mention it, Tony.
01:53:11:19 01:53:15:11 Have a look at that man there,
next to the telephone kiosk.
01:53:15:25 01:53:18:07 Gosh, Control, you weren't exaggerating
01:53:18:10 01:53:22:02 when you said it allowed you to see things
quite clearly over a long distance.
01:53:22:07 01:53:24:21 That man could almost be in the room with us.
01:53:24:24 01:53:26:17 That's a true thing to say.
01:53:26:19 01:53:29:18 But here's where the telescupe comes in
because Tony?
01:53:29:21 01:53:32:10 -Mmm?
-That man isn't in the room with us.
01:53:33:18 01:53:36:11 Well, I thought he wasn't in the room
with us, Control,
01:53:36:13 01:53:39:06 but I must say
it's nice to have it confirmed by you.
01:53:40:04 01:53:42:20 He's actually on the other side of the street.
01:53:42:22 01:53:45:13 Yes, Control, he's looking this way and...
01:53:45:24 01:53:47:02 Wait a minute.
01:53:47:05 01:53:51:04 That man is looking at us with a telescupe.
01:53:51:07 01:53:55:06 Yes. It's my theory, Tony,
that he's an enemy agent
01:53:55:09 01:53:58:12 charged with the task
of keeping us under surveillance.
01:54:00:05 01:54:02:06 What a confounded cheek, Control.
01:54:02:08 01:54:05:07 I've a good mind to fetch a policeman
and have him moved on.
01:54:05:10 01:54:08:03 Steady on, Tony, I've got a better plan.
01:54:08:20 01:54:12:23 Valerie was kind enough to go outside
and find out the number of the kiosk.
01:54:14:16 01:54:18:17 Control, that man is going into the kiosk
and he's lifted up the receiver.
01:54:19:05 01:54:21:14 Hello, enemy agent?
01:54:22:07 01:54:23:21 It's Control here.
01:54:25:03 01:54:26:15 Very well, thank you.
01:54:28:01 01:54:30:21 Could you stop keeping us
under surveillance, please?
01:54:32:08 01:54:33:08 Thank you.
01:54:34:16 01:54:39:02 Control, your plan is working.
He's getting into a car and driving away.
01:54:39:18 01:54:43:08 Another small but significant victory for our side.
01:54:43:10 01:54:45:07 Congratulations, Control.
01:54:45:20 01:54:48:17 Now, you run along and get a nice cup of coffee,
01:54:48:20 01:54:52:02 and we'll pretend this whole ugly incident
never took place.
01:54:52:22 01:54:55:23 -I can go one better than that, Control.
-Oh?
01:54:56:13 01:55:01:20 # Happy birthday to Control
Happy birthday to Control #
01:55:01:23 01:55:03:12 Oh, get along with you.
01:55:04:21 01:55:06:16 Aren't you going to open it, then?
01:55:07:03 01:55:08:06 Bo!
01:55:09:23 01:55:12:04 Ladies and gentlemen, some very exciting news.
01:55:12:07 01:55:16:16 Yes, absolutely. We have, ladies and gentlemen,
hit 1 .6 on the big-o-meter.
01:55:16:19 01:55:18:16 (AUDIENCE WHOOPING AND APPLAUDING)
01:55:20:19 01:55:22:00 You, um...
01:55:23:02 01:55:26:01 you remember we told you earlier
about the large number of dogs
01:55:26:04 01:55:27:24 that watch us here on A Bit of Fry and Laurie?
01:55:28:03 01:55:31:02 Yes, well, we're happy to say
that Irene, a red setter
01:55:31:04 01:55:35:01 who lives in Lytham St Anne's
way down in...Surrey, is it?
01:55:35:03 01:55:37:21 -Sussex, Lancashire...
-Devon, Wiltshire...
01:55:37:24 01:55:41:16 Somewhere like that, anyway. Now, Irene
watches A Bit of Fry and Laurie every week,
01:55:41:18 01:55:44:07 but in the last half hour she's had five puppies.
01:55:44:09 01:55:47:12 And the consequent boost to our viewing figures
01:55:47:14 01:55:49:21 has pushed us right up into the high ones.
01:55:49:24 01:55:51:02 -Yes.
-So, there we are.
01:55:51:05 01:55:53:23 So, we are now, then,
ladies and gentlemen, officially big!
01:55:54:11 01:55:57:04 Too big, I fear, to perform
our own sketches any more.
01:55:57:06 01:56:00:15 That's right. Yes, our last sketch this evening
is going to be performed for us
01:56:00:17 01:56:02:20 by a pair of young South American actors.
01:56:02:22 01:56:05:06 That's right.
We're just going to sit here and enjoy a drink
01:56:05:09 01:56:08:06 while the sketch is done for us by...
well, servants really.
01:56:08:08 01:56:09:20 -Servants. Yes, yes.
-Yes.
01:56:09:22 01:56:12:06 -It's nice being big, isn't it?
-I love being big.
01:56:12:09 01:56:13:10 -Big.
-Yes.
01:56:13:12 01:56:14:22 -Come on, off you go.
-Yep.
01:56:17:23 01:56:19:12 Hello, Mr Doli.
01:56:19:25 01:56:23:17 Hello. What can I do for you on this lovely day?
01:56:25:16 01:56:30:06 Well, you know I lent you my lawnmower
01:56:30:19 01:56:32:14 some time ago?
01:56:34:02 01:56:35:04 Yes.
01:56:37:01 01:56:39:04 Could I have it back, please?
01:56:40:09 01:56:42:14 But I haven't wiped it yet.
01:56:43:22 01:56:45:00 Oh, dear.
01:56:46:13 01:56:48:20 How long will it take you to wipe it?
01:56:49:18 01:56:53:21 Well, if I'm going to wipe it properly,
about two weeks.
01:56:55:12 01:56:56:24 Yours is very good, isn't he?
01:56:57:02 01:56:59:16 Oh, he's marvellous, a godsend.
I don't know what I'd do without him.
01:56:59:18 01:57:02:09 -No, I don't blame you, I don't blame you.
-Marvellous.
01:57:02:12 01:57:03:11 (TV STATIC)
01:57:03:14 01:57:05:21 -Oh, wait a minute. It's coming through.
-This could be it.
01:57:05:24 01:57:07:15 Manuel, Fernandez,
01:57:07:17 01:57:10:24 if you'd like to bow to the audience
and then off you go. We won't need you any more.
01:57:11:02 01:57:13:16 -Yep. Thank you.
-All right? Bow to the audience.
01:57:13:19 01:57:15:14 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
01:57:16:17 01:57:20:07 Now, ladies and gentlemen,
the moment we've all been waiting for.
01:57:20:10 01:57:23:11 Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
we are now being joined live by satellite
01:57:23:14 01:57:26:21 -by Mr Marlon Brando! Yes!
-Oh, yes! How exciting.
01:57:26:24 01:57:31:14 Hello there, good evening, Marlon.
How are you doing, my man?
01:57:36:05 01:57:39:20 -Bit quiet, isn't he?
-No, no, Hugh. Not quiet, never quiet.
01:57:39:22 01:57:44:02 Merely sullen, brooding,
and possessed of an intense silent charisma.
01:57:44:18 01:57:45:22 -Quiet.
-Yes.
01:57:47:05 01:57:51:06 Marlon, do you know who you're talking to here?
Do you know who we are?
01:57:52:09 01:57:55:10 -He's still not moving his lips, Stephen.
-When you're as big as Marlon,
01:57:55:13 01:57:58:04 you don't have to move your lips.
You get someone else to move them for you.
01:57:58:06 01:58:00:20 -Like we have people doing our...
-Our sketches, yes. That's right.
01:58:00:23 01:58:02:22 Marlon, Marlon, it's the biggies talking.
01:58:02:24 01:58:04:15 You know who we are?
01:58:04:17 01:58:06:02 MARLON: Good evening to you.
01:58:06:19 01:58:08:24 Well, good evening to you, sir.
01:58:10:17 01:58:13:24 Hey, you're Little and Large, right?
01:58:15:03 01:58:17:13 -Uh, well...
-Yes, yes, that's right. Yes, we are.
01:58:17:16 01:58:19:22 -Little and Large, that's quite right.
-Gotta go now.
01:58:20:11 01:58:21:16 -Ah.
-Ah, well.
01:58:21:19 01:58:23:10 Well, goodbye, Marlon.
01:58:23:12 01:58:26:24 And goodbye to you all
from A Bit of Little and Large.
01:58:27:02 01:58:28:08 Bye-bye.